I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
