I didn't shave. On purpose
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
