He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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