last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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