so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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