Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
