Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize