I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
