she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
