Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
one two three fourrrrnication!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
