he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats