What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not