It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
