PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
