her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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