He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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