Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
