Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
