When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
