Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
