i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
