Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
