just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
