You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
