took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
