shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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