So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
