I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
