He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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