Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
