Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
