Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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