Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the condom got lost in my hair
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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