Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
