the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
