When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just want to make out with him forever
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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