Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
