Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
