At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
