I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
