my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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