Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
