You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
