They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You have to summon your inner elephant
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
