I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
