Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
