So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There's always time for handjobs
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
