How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
