Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
