Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
my poor anus
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Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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