you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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