She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
