who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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