I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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