I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
