i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
